人付き合いの話

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先週見かけた文章で「人付き合い」についての極論を述べたものがありました．曰く「自分よりもレベルの高い人と付き合うようにしたい，それで自分も成長できる」ということで，著者は若くてギラギラした方なんだろうなあ，と思って読んでいました．そして，ボストンに留学してすぐの頃を思い出しました．

以前このブログで書いたこともありましたが，22 歳でボストンに留学した私は，20 代後半くらいの日本人と上手に関係を構築できずに悩んだことがありました．事後的に見れば，悩んだと言うのは大げさで，それまで経験しなかった感じの人付き合いに戸惑った，くらいが適切かもしれません．

平たく言えば「みんなで仲良くやろうぜ」の世界から「損得勘定，年齢，職業などで，相手への態度や対応が決まる（ように見える）」世界にいきなり住むことになって，慣れるのに時間がかかったのだと思います．年を重ねれば，世界に打算があることはわかりますし 1，それ自体が悪いことだと言うつもりなどありません．理想は別としても，現在の私も打算を全くしないなんて言えませんし．

何にしても 22 歳の「学生しかしたことない理工系学生」は，ボストンに蔓延していたグローバル・インパクト原理主義のヒエラルキーで最下層だったのでしょう．損得勘定で言えば，大人に「与えるもの」がない立場だった，とも言えます．相手がどう思っていたかはわかりませんが，ボストンに移ってすぐの 1 〜 2 年くらいは，あまり大人に相手にされていないと感じました．また，大人は社交辞令ばかりで付き合いづらい，と思っていました．とはいえ，向こうからしてみたら「今度飲みましょう」と言う言葉を真に受けて誘ってくる「学生」との距離感も難しかったと思います．今になれば相手の気持ちもわかり，ただそういうものだとしか言えないのですが，当時は自分が上手く人付き合いをできていない感覚を持っていました．

そんな中，今でも覚えている嬉しかったことがあります．

大学院生になって数年くらい，私は名刺を持ってなくて，名刺を頂いたら「こちらから連絡差し上げます」と言っていました．一方で「どうせ返事来ないだろうなあ」とか「連絡したら迷惑かなあ」とも思っていました．今では滑稽に思いますが，連絡先を受け取った結果のそんな心理的な葛藤すら億劫だったから「連絡先を交換しましょう」というやり取りすら気が乗らない時期がありました．

そんな折，何かの集まりで会った人に「今度また飲みたいですね，ボストンのことを色々教えて下さい」みたいなことを言われたことがありました．この「色々教えて下さい」は今もなおしっくりこない日本語ですが，当時の私は社交辞令 zero tolerance より少し成長したくらいで，ああこれは大人の挨拶だから深入りしてはいけない，程度に思っていました．その後散会して帰ろうとしていたら，その人が向こうから来てくれて「連絡先を教えてもらわないと，今度また飲めないよね」と言ってくれたんですね．相手にしたら自然なやりとりだったんでしょうが，私はこれが本当にあたたかい言葉だと思って，10 年近く経った今もまだ覚えています．

直感的にこの人は信頼できると思いましたし，実際に信頼できる人でした．仕事は全く違いますが，ボストンにいるときは仲良くしてもらいましたし，帰国後も会える素晴らしい人です．そして自分に取っては，この一件が「大人は社交辞令ばかりで付き合いづらい」という思い込みをほぐしてくれたターニングポイントだったと思います．その後，仲良くなれる人と仲良くなろうと積極的になれましたし，ボストン生活が楽しくなりました．

ボストンの日本人は，掛け値などなく，楽しい人が多かったと思います．多分，足枷になっていたのは自分が勝手に持った心理的な障壁で，むしろ自分が立場とか年齢を気にしていたかもしれません．こういうことに気付けるのも「成長」です．

何だか最初の話から少しズレてしまいました．人付き合いの話は「リアル」というマンガにとても良い描写が多いので，興味があれば読んで欲しいと思います．ランクや損得など多くの人がとらわれやすいものがあるのは間違いないんだけど，でもそれがどうでもよくなるようなパッションや自意識を持つに至ったら，幸せなのだと思っています．難しいことだろうけど，そういう心境になりたいと思います．

Notes:

  1. ちなみに中国語で打算は「計画する」の意味 ↩

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